A Powerful Gift
Yet again, LinkedIn Answers creates fuel for thought. These three questions were asked recently and brought up a powerful conversation about trust:
2) How do you decide the level of trust in relation? (Of course, trust cannot be built in one meeting or in one day…it takes months if not years to build the trust level).
3) When do you decide and on what basis you decide, if you can trust the other person or not?
There are likely a million ways to answer these. Here are two:
- “Deciding” to trust is actually an oxymoron.
- Trust is a gift you give, not one you get.
First, if you consider the roots of the word “decision”, you’ll find it’s defined as “to kill” (i.e. “de” = of, “cide” = to kill or killer). When we “decide” to trust, we actually build a case with evidence of whether someone or something is trustworthy or not. If we find evidence they are trustworthy, we’ll trust them. If we find evidence otherwise, we’ll figuratively “kill them off” (not trust them).
Second, consider that we as human beings are actually already related 100% in everyway possible. We have hearts that love, lungs that energize and dreams that pull us forward. In other words, we’re the same thing, regardless of culture, skin color or ideology.
But it’s our minds that mess us up, especially around trust. Our minds create, store and fuel our stories. Stories about how Bob didn’t do what he said he would when he said he would do it. Stories about how Sally’s upbringing makes her a mean person. Stories about how someone did something that didn’t meet my expectation so now they’re untrustworthy.
This is all a farce. Our stories are simply interpretations of how things went or will go. Our stories are a completely unreliable source of truth. Our stories are exactly what keep us from trusting one another.
So, perhaps what there is to do is simply offer our trust as a gift. When we offer it as a gift, we:
- give our trust without a story
- give our trust without killing anything or anyone off
- build our ability to be with risk
- create powerful relationships
- empower the person we give trust to follow thru without the fear of negative consequences
Yes, trust truly is a powerful tool as is a hammer. Both can be used to build and to destroy. Practice giving your trust as a gift and you might be pleasantly surprised by the results.
Leadership Practices:
- Choose three people this week to whom you’ll offer your trust as a gift (i.e. with no expectation of repayment)
- Journal about your experience; the struggle, the doubt, the anxiety, the stories and the results
- Rinse and repeat.
Happy Gifting,
- Coach Preston
Hi Preston,
I just went through a module in Organizational Behaviour about Leadership, so covered almost every angle on what makes a leader and how to become a leader – but . . .
You floored me!
Your concept on trust is dead on! And not mentioned anywhere else that I have read.
And it is so right. It makes so much sense. When I think back on good leaders that I have known – it all came down to trust – and them giving it freely, without expecting anything in return. And you know what, they did get something back, the trust and respect of the people they were working with. And that is what made them the leaders they were.
Great work!
Jack