Feedback or Feed-Fire?

A familiar form of feedback

Yet another “LinkedIn Answers” gem-of-a-question…

Paraphrased = “Since most of us are entirely incapable of seeing the constraints that hold us back, feedback is an invaluable tool.  It offers a chance to see the constraints and take appropriate action.  But how do you offer feedback that makes a difference rather than frequently upsetting another?”

Here are a few thoughts in response:

1. Consider the constraints we have are actually part of the way we’ve been trained to give feedback.  In other words, one of my constraints is that I love to control.  If that’s operating in the background, it’s likely I’ll offer feedback that has me trying to fix or manipulate the other person (so as to control the situation).  Inevitably, that feedback lands as harsh or critical since what I’m really trying to accomplish (underlying assumption) is to protect myself.  This applies to any version of our constraints.
2. Since our feedback is based primarily on our constraints (per above), what you’ll notice is that the focus of our feedback is actually on ourselves rather than where it should be, on the other person or situation.  In other words, our feedback becomes in service to us rather than in service to the other.
3. Finally, since this is typically how feedback is given, we end up having a less than desirable (at time disastrous) experience with feedback.  This has us avoid both giving and receiving feedback.

So, what is there for us to do?  Here are a few ideas:

1. Get clear on your intention for offering feedback.  Ask, “For what would I want to share A, B, or C with Bob?”  Getting clear on our intention will uncover whether we’re about to offer feedback for our own benefit or the other’s benefit.
2. Practice using this format for giving feedback:
   1. Offer an invitation to give feedback rather than telling someone that feedback is coming (whether they want it or not).
   2. Ask the person, “What worked in this/that situation?”
   3. Then ask, “What didn’t work in this/that situation?”
   4. Then ask, “If you could change two things about how it went, what would they be?”
   5. Acknowledge the person for their intention and action around the situation.  Make sure they are fully acknowledged.
   6. Then provide your feedback on the situation based on: a) the situation, and b) what can be done in the future to improve the process.  In other words, don’t make the feedback be about the person – make it about the situation or their actions/speaking.

By offering feedback in this manner, you’re not offering it from your constraints, but from a look into the future; a future that offers forgiveness, development, second chances and partnership.

Happy Feedbacking,

- Coach Preston