One is a lonely number
Partnerships are a funny thing. We seem to love creating them, but it often seems we have real struggles sticking with them. So what gives?
Rarely intentional, we enter personal and professional relationships without truly considering what’s important for each one of us. The Gallup Management Journal ran an article last year that identified the three “most important statements in determining how well your abilities mesh with those of your collaborator”:
- We compliment each other’s strengths
- We need each other to get the job done
- He or she does some things much better than I do, and I do some things much better than he or she does
A Powerful Gift
Can I trust this?
Yet again, LinkedIn Answers creates fuel for thought. These three questions were asked recently and brought up a powerful conversation about trust:
2) How do you decide the level of trust in relation? (Of course, trust cannot be built in one meeting or in one day…it takes months if not years to build the trust level).
3) When do you decide and on what basis you decide, if you can trust the other person or not?
There are likely a million ways to answer these. Here are two:
- “Deciding” to trust is actually an oxymoron.
- Trust is a gift you give, not one you get.
First, if you consider the roots of the word “decision”, you’ll find it’s defined as “to kill” (i.e. “de” = of, “cide” = to kill or killer). When we “decide” to trust, we actually build a case with evidence of whether someone or something is trustworthy or not. If we find evidence they are trustworthy, we’ll trust them. If we find evidence otherwise, we’ll figuratively “kill them off” (not trust them).
Second, consider that we as human beings are actually already related 100% in everyway possible. We have hearts that love, lungs that energize and dreams that pull us forward. In other words, we’re the same thing, regardless of culture, skin color or ideology.
But it’s our minds that mess us up, especially around trust. Our minds create, store and fuel our stories. Stories about how Bob didn’t do what he said he would when he said he would do it. Stories about how Sally’s upbringing makes her a mean person. Stories about how someone did something that didn’t meet my expectation so now they’re untrustworthy.
This is all a farce. Our stories are simply interpretations of how things went or will go. Our stories are a completely unreliable source of truth. Our stories are exactly what keep us from trusting one another.
So, perhaps what there is to do is simply offer our trust as a gift. When we offer it as a gift, we:
- give our trust without a story
- give our trust without killing anything or anyone off
- build our ability to be with risk
- create powerful relationships
- empower the person we give trust to follow thru without the fear of negative consequences
Yes, trust truly is a powerful tool as is a hammer. Both can be used to build and to destroy. Practice giving your trust as a gift and you might be pleasantly surprised by the results.
Leadership Practices:
- Choose three people this week to whom you’ll offer your trust as a gift (i.e. with no expectation of repayment)
- Journal about your experience; the struggle, the doubt, the anxiety, the stories and the results
- Rinse and repeat.
Happy Gifting,
- Coach Preston
A Story about Men
This past weekend, I had an amazing experience. I spent the entire weekend with 11 other men on a retreat about an hour north of Detroit.
Amidst the cheeseburgers, chips, 18 pots of coffee and proverbial “how YOU doin’?”, was authenticity and transparency like I’ve never seen in a group of men before. I’m more accustomed to rank humor and bravado. There’s nothing wrong with those things… but I’ve learned those really don’t serve me anymore.
The intent of the weekend was to help us distinguish the “stories” we have about ourselves. About where we are in comparison to where we want to be. About what’s running our lives in comparison to what we’d like to run our lives. About how we live in the context (or framework) of someone elses’ story in comparison to our own OR the story that best prepares us to really be men.
You see as a man, I’ve come to learn some behaviors that, historically, seem to have served me. Self-protection, arrogance and competition have won many battles for me. I’ve covered up plenty of mistakes, let folks know that I’m okay even when I’m not (“Don’t need your help thanks.”), and made sure I came in first place regardless of the consequences.
What I see now is that a life led that way is a life of pure exhaustion.
This past weekend actually got me to ask the question, “If that’s not the story I truly want, then whose story AM I living?” “What story do I want to live?” “What if I were to take on being transparent, humble and open-hearted?” “What if I took on not having ALL the answers?”
Some of you reading this (perhaps especially if you’re in business) may feel I’ve gone off a deep end. That’s okay… you’re entitled to believe that and it’s likely you’re not to the point of exhaustion upon which I’ve arrived.
Except, coming back to work on Monday morning has been really refreshing this week. Although the email in-box is overloaded, there’s a breakdown with one of my teams and a client who’s suffering through some big challenges, there’s something different about today.
As a business owner, leader and man, I now see my ability to create the life and business I want doesn’t depend on my ability to protect, control or “win”. It depends on my willingness to practice always being of service, sharing 100% of me (the good, bad and ugly), and getting connected by creating relationships from heart rather than ego.
Leadership Practices for you to consider:
- Notice where you’re inclined to hide, ignore or avoid issues and conversations. Be curious about what you want to hide from others. Take on sharing just one of those things this week.
- Count how many really close friends you have… the type of friends you could share ANYTHING with. If the number you come up with is disappointing, ask yourself “How much longer can I do my life entirely on my own?”
- Notice where you dominate conversations, relationships and situations. Ask yourself “What chaos am I trying to dominate”. Consider the things we call “chaotic” have some of the greatest lessons inside. Take on just being with a conversation, relationship or situation rather than trying to fix it or figure it out.
Regardless of gender, consider that a life (and business) operating from protection, control and competition is short-lived at best. On the best day, you’ll get ONLY what those things offer (fear, running, resisting and avoiding).
Perhaps there’s a different story for you.
Happy Editing,
-Coach Preston
